Friday, January 21, 2011

Bagel Dogs!!!!!!


O frabjous day! My life is nearing completion thanks in part to my newest sweetheart, Lisa Bang. Embarrassingly cute and unimaginably smart, Lisa came to my rescue when woe had struck me low. For two decades, my life has been missing something incredibly important, something no one should be without. (Unless they're so unimaginative and unadventurous as to put down or just plain not like my second-favorite Hebrew invention; kiss my grits, Natalie!)

Sam's Club used to carry them by the bagful and we'd get two or three bags a month. They were amazing to behold. Simply pop one in the microwave after coming home from a rough day at school, dip 'em in ketchup, and all was suddenly right with the world.

I am of course talking about the wonder that is the bagel dog. Yes, the modest, unassuming bagel dog.

For reasons inexplicable to me, Sam's Club stopped selling bagel dogs around 20 years ago, though for a little while they still continued to sell the not-nearly-so-enjoyable mini bagle dog. (Insert :shudder: emoticon here.) Like the Amiga, original Frosted Mini Wheats, Top Shelf lasagna, Black Pepperjack Doritos, $5 seafood buffets at the casinos, Lemon-Lime Slice, Lacey Chabert, and reasonable prices at Arby's, as soon as I found them and fell in love with them, they disappeared without a trace and were never heard from again.

It's rough, seeing so much splendacularity simply disappear. Were I a completely insecure and paranoid son of an apple pie (like someone whose initials might be GTA), I might think I was the cause of the disappearances. But like what happens when Chuck Norris and Mr. T enter a building, perhaps that much awesomeness simply can't be contained. At the time, it was them or me, and MY awesomeness won out.

But now, at least one of these great things is fighting its way out of obscurity to make a comeback. Because my awesomeness is now an inclusive type of aura and it can be added to by other awesome things, I demanded of God to bestow upon me the knowledge of how to get a bagel dog, and lo and behold, God smacked me upside the head and said, "You don't make demands of me."

But then He showed mercy and sent an angel named Lisa Bang to point out to me that Einstein Brothers Bagel Shop sold bagel dogs. And making it better was that there were TWO of them here in the Daytona Beach area. So today, I packed up my gear and hiked on out to Ormond Beach, taking one of my many lady-friends with me on this wondrous odyssey of discovery.

It was glorious; glorious, I tell you!

And now, I owe Lisa a bagel dog, to be paid the next time we meet. Which won't be tomorrow because she's got to do Polycast episode 110 live tomorrow, and I'm going to be at a writer's meeting, and then entertain another of my lady-friends. Dan invited me to do a taping, and yes, I was excited to be able to thank Lisa in person (over Skype), but alas, it will have to wait.

You know, in the above list of my favorite things which can no longer be found, as each one of them disappeared quietly into the night, I mourned its passing, and then moved on. I've actually forgotten several of the items that should have made it on that list. But then one too many of those things began to disappear, and I couldn't take it any more. I had to do something. I had to find a way to save that one last great thing. I had to find a way to make it big again, to get everyone talking about it.

I tried, folks, I really tried, but nothing I did resulted in anything but further misery for all concerned. I simply didn't know how to reach the people responsible for that item on my list and inspire them to continue the valiant struggle to make me and the rest of the world happy with it.

But you know what? If bagel dogs are back from the brink of extinction, maybe with a little enthusiasm and the application of my inconsiderable power and influence with all of creation, I'll be able to arrange things so that they can once again be bought in the grocery store. And when we're all again eating bagel dogs morning, noon, and night, then maybe I'll figure out how to save another item on that list. And then another, and another, until one day, they've all been revived! They will be in everyone's homes or on everyone's minds, bringing peace and love and joy to the world once more!

What about you? What (or who) do you want to see making a comeback? Tell us in the comments below. And again, thank you, Lisa, for telling me where bagel dogs have been hiding half my life!


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1 comment:

  1. If you're not afraid to spend $6 apiece for a 1/3 pound bagel dog, Vienna is now offering bagel dogs in packs of 14 for $80:

    And supposedly Costco has them, but I've never been there and don't seem to have one near me.

    And I've been told that other bagel shops carry them too.


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