Wednesday, February 25, 2009

TrueFacts about Lacey Chabert

from: Purvis, MS 39475, USA
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If you don’t know who Lacey Chabert is, you’re not worthy to be on the same planet as she is; GET OFF!!! (Or... you could just look her up, and then you’ll be allowed to stay.)

I don’t wax poetic very often, but when I do, it’s always for a good reason, and Lacey is a very good reason for anyone to do anything. But this time, I've really outdone myself, and I pissed off Chuck Norris to do it! So before Chuck gets his revenge, I've released this list for all to see and enjoy.

After a year of intense investigative work, I uncovered a lot of interesting stuff about Lacey Chabert, and the work continues. Some of these items are rather incredible, but unlike the so-called Chuck Norris "facts", all these items are:

TRUEFACTS ABOUT LACEY CHABERT

1. There are no unhappy people, only those who've never met Lacey Chabert.
2. Lacey Chabert is not beautiful; beautiful is Lacey Chabert.
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3. Lacey Chabert is in so many bad movies because otherwise, who ever would've heard of third-rate actors like James Spader, Michelle Trachtenberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Lauren Holly, Meat Loaf, Billy Zane, Alice Krige, Matthew McConaughey, or Jennifer Garner?
4. Lacey Chabert does not appear nude on film so that all other women need not be consumed with jealousy.
5. If you have $5 and Lacey Chabert has $5, she has more money than you do. (If you don't understand why that's true, just go shopping with her once.)
6. Lacey Chabert can be neither early nor late because her appearance defines the proper time to begin.
7. To prevent needless traffic accidents by distracted drivers, Lacey Chabert does not appear on billboards.
8. Lacey Chabert can turn any frown upside-down.
9. In 5 billion years, when the Sun's hydrogen fuel is exhausted, Earth need not worry: Lacey Chabert will still be hotter and her smile brighter than the Sun could ever hope to be.
10. Lacey Chabert doesn't need to use any special Karate moves to stop a bank robber; her smile can disarm anyone.
11. When Lacey Chabert orders a salad, it does what it's told.
12. There are only two types of people in the world: those unworthy to be on the same planet with Lacey Chabert, and Lacey Chabert. Fortunately, she's very polite and lets us stay in parts of the world she isn't using.
13. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Lacey Chabert.
14. Many little girls dress up as Barbie for Halloween. Barbie dresses up as Lacey Chabert.
15. One of the ingredients of sugar is Lacey Chabert's breath. One time, she breathed a little too hard into the batch and the resulting sugar-rush sent millions of kids climbing the walls for three months.
16. Lacey Chabert never actually kisses a man in her movies because the first time she did, he burst into a confetti of cartoon hearts and they had to do another take with a more expensive replacement. Instead, all her kissing scenes must now be done with computer animation. Even then, the actors aren't always safe.
17. Lacey Chabert is not politically correct, she is always correct.
18. People who mistake Lacey Chabert as Jennifer Love Hewitt do so not because Hewitt is more famous, but rather because they cannot believe their extraordinary good fortune in meeting the genuine article.
19. Lacey Chabert does not write plays because she does not want to show up her favorite writer, William Shakespeare.
20. The HOV lanes are open to vehicles with 2 or more passengers, buses, motorcycles, and Lacey Chabert. (Wikipedia was asked not to list this information.)
21. Lacey Chabert does not have to stop at stop signs. She is instead allowed to obey an alternate meaning: “Slow To Optional Pause”.
22. Lacey Chabert's movements can be easily tracked because sunflowers always face toward her.
Lacey isn't too sexy for the LIKE button.
23. When Lacey Chabert walks into a garden, the flowers all want to smell her.
24. Lacey Chabert can play Craps without rolling the dice. All she has to do is bat her eyelashes at them and they fall all over themselves.
25. Lacey Chabert knows what Willis was talking about: Lacey is what Willis was talking about.
26. Lacey Chabert can order lobster bisque, a Nachos Bell Grande, satin bedsheets, a 212-ton dump truck, and 43 and a half barrels of monkeys at a hot dog stand on the outskirts of a little town like Palmer, Indiana (population: 9), and get it right away.
27. How many super-hot actresses does it take to change a lightbulb? If Lacey Chabert is among them, the answer is NONE, because she just glows.
28. Mathematicians now unanimously agree that if Infinity is divided by Zero, the result is Lacey Chabert.
29. Antarctic scientists are not allowed to have pictures of Lacey Chabert because even her worst pictures are hot enough to melt the icecap.
30. Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon as a stunt to impress Lacey Chabert.
31. Behind every great man is a great woman... a great woman who wishes she could be Lacey Chabert instead.
32. Anything Midas touched turned to gold. Anything Lacey Chabert touches melts in ecstasy.
33. Some scientists worry that Lacey Chabert could cause Global Warming because she's smoking hot. Others worry that since she's totally cool, she might cause Global Cooling. In reality, Lacey carefully balances her hotness and coolness to keep Earth's environment stable. The occasional heat wave or cold snap is caused when someone distracts her.
34. It takes a big man to cry. It takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. But Lacey Chabert will make that bigger man cry if he tries it.
35. Sandpaper grading scale: Rough, coarse, average, fine, super fine, ultra fine, unimaginably fine, and Lacey Chabert.
36. When Marilyn vos Savant is stumped, she writes to Lacey Chabert.
37. As The Bard said, "Better to have loved Lacey and lost than never to have loved Lacey at all."
38. All the better perfumes in the world are made from Lacey Chabert's sweat.
39. Lacey Chabert does not believe in the Urban Dictionary.
40. Lacey Chabert donated the Hope Diamond to charity. Fourteen times. In a single hour.
41. Perfection aspires to achieve Lacey Chabert.
42. The Universal Question is irrelevant; the answer is that you are a figment of Lacey Chabert's imagination. There's simply nothing more that needs to be understood.
On her way to hit the LIKE button.
43. The incredible leaps of scientific knowledge made since 1982 have all been to ensure that Lacey Chabert will live forever.
44. The only reason Lacey Chabert doesn't win the Miss Universe competition every year is because contestants must be amateurs, and Lacey is not an amateur at anything she does.
45. Ever since Lacey Chabert recently revealed one of her nicknames, there has been a massive upswing in termites naming their children Dynamite.
46. Before Copernicus, it was believed the universe revolved around the Earth. Thanks to him, we now know it really revolves around Lacey Chabert.
47. Lacey Chabert doesn't pay taxes because she doesn't like the idea of getting paid to have fun. No income = no taxes.
48. Lacey Chabert owns everything because people just give her anything she asks for.
49. You wouldn't like Bruce Banner when he gets angry. The Hulk doesn't like Lacey Chabert when she gets angry.
50. Lacey Chabert recently received the Empire State Building as a birthday present from Donald Trump. She intends to use it as a summer house.
51. On an average day, 7 people are horrified to learn they have either misspelled or mispronounced Lacey Chabert’s name. As penance, these people are required to adopt a chihuahua.
52. Tibetan monks spend decades of their lives in isolation and silence high in the Himalayas contemplating the meaning of Lacey Chabert.
53. Now that there are more than 52 known TrueFacts about Lacey Chabert, don’t be surprised if someone starts putting them on decks of playing cards.
54. Chuck Norris was so impressed with this list of TrueFacts that he immediately offered to be Lacey Chabert’s personal bodyguard. Among his duties: menacing paparazzi, keeping the hordes of autograph-seekers in a single-file line, and making sure no one complains when her wrist gets cramped.
55. When Billy Mays, Richard Simmons, and nervous little dogs need to get pumped up, a quick call to Lacey Chabert gets them excited.
56. No matter what country Lacey Chabert goes to, the residents all know what she’s saying because no one would ever want to misunderstand her.
57. Baskin Robbins will be coming out with a 32nd flavor to commemorate Lacey Chabert’s 32nd birthday, if they can figure out a way to pack enough sweetness into a gallon of ice cream in the limited amount of time they have left. (5 years to go at time of writing.)
58. Everybody hated chihuahuas until Lacey Chabert got one; now they’re the most popular breed of dog ever.
59. Much like the situation Queen Elizabeth was in most of her life, Lacey Chabert cannot get married for fear of starting a world war.
60. Lacey Chabert does not acknowledge the veracity of the TrueFacts because to do so would spawn millions of insanely jealous people who would wish they’d figured them out first.
61. In 2012, the world will not end, because Lacey Chabert said so.
62. Even though "blondes have more fun," Lacey Chabert does not bleach her hair because she's having exactly the amount of fun she wants to have at any given moment.
63. When Google can't find something, Lacey Chabert knows where it is. Often it's in her purse.
64. It used to be that whenever Lacey Chabert misspelled a word, Merriam-Webster had to republish all the dictionaries. Now they can just change their website.
65. Lacey Chabert does not need a membership to use a gym, shop at Sam's Club, check out a library book, etc.
66. Lacey Chabert can beat the Mona Lisa in a staring contest.
67. Victoria's Secret is... not Lacey Chabert. Sorry. Better you find out from me than from some bully at school.
68. Bob Barker often checked with Lacey Chabert to be sure the price really was right.
69. Switzerland is neutral about everything except its opinion of Lacey Chabert.
70. Lacey Chabert can start a fire by rubbing water and Halon together.
71. Even amnesiacs remember an encounter with Lacey Chabert.
72. Lacey Chabert was offered an honorary degree from Princeton University but her father wouldn't let her accept it because they wouldn't change their name to Princesston.
73. Lacey Chabert's passport has stamps from 82 different countries, 7 continents, and 14 planets.
74. Lacey Chabert does not tolerate haters of Christopher Columbus; unlike them, she has perspective on what happened back then. Because she was there.
75. Lacey Chabert could have the National Debt wiped out just by making a phone call, but then Congress would just run it back up again without learning anything.
76. Mattel, the makers of the Uno cardgame, changed the design of the cards because Lacey Chabert once said she didn't like the letter "D".
77. In Soviet Russia, Eliza Thornberry is the voice of Lacey Chabert.
78. Illegal immigrants have discovered that when in Arizona, they can dodge being asked for ID and then deported if they dress up as Lacey Chabert. As a personal favor to Chuck Norris, who is busy elsewhere, Mr. T is reputedly on the case to punch through all the jibber-jabber and stop the impersonations. I pity the fool who gets in his way.
79. Lacey Chabert doesn't have good days, good days have Lacey Chabert.
80. Not only can Lacey Chabert slam a revolving door, she can do it as she's skiing through it.
81. The Higgs Boson is incredibly elusive. Some say it's because it doesn't really exist, others theorize that it's because it interacts very weakly with regular matter, but a new school of thought has emerged which says it's just incredibly self-conscious around Lacey Chabert.
82. Lacey Chabert has a big heart. So big, she has donated parts of it to 72 needy people (so far).
Have you hit the LIKE button yet?
83. When it comes to table-tennis, Lacey Chabert can defeat a brick wall.
84. Lacey Chabert once ran with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain. During the run, she tripped and fell. As the bulls were about to trample her, they all stopped and waited until she got back on her feet, dusted herself off, grinned sheepishly, and resumed running before they continued to chase the crowd.
85. Plans are being drawn up to include Lacey Chabert's head on Mount Rushmore. Washington is most likely to give up his spot, since it's the most prominent.
86. Lacey Chabert can mix iced tea so strong that after one sip you will be able to see through time.
87. There are three fundamental Laws of Thermodynamics. Lacey Chabert is exempt from two of them and expects to overcome the third real soon.
88. Every answer given by Watson, the Jeopardy-playing computer which creamed the two best human players of all time, was "Lacey Chabert". This was sufficient to win a million dollars for charity.
89. A kitten stuck in a tree isn't as cute as Lacey Chabert.
90. The devil is willing to sell his soul to spend one minute as Lacey Chabert.
91. Lacey Chabert was slated to appear on the TV show, Lost, but at the last minute it was realized no one would believe the media would lose track of her.
92. Lacey Chabert does not promote her own charity for fear it will drive all the others out of business.
93. Al Gore invented the internet at Lacey Chabert's behest. No one living knows why and it's best not to ask.
94. The color formerly known as pink has been renamed Lacey Chabert. The singer known as Pink has not.
95. Lacey Chabert's mother once told her, "If you can't say something nice to someone, don't say anything at all." Consequently, Barack Hussein Obama feels very lonely.
96. Lacey Chabert doesn't have to go around mountains. They politely move out of her way.
97. A toothpick is all Lacey Chabert needs to eat soup. It's also rumored she can build a log cabin out of three toothpicks, complete with glass windows, indoor plumbing, and air conditioning.
98. Lacey Chabert knows everything because facts change according to her beliefs.
99. The internet is running out of IP addresses because Lacey Chabert likes to collect them. Apparently they're very cute, don't take up much space, and don't eat much.
100. Lacey Chabert can leave a message before the beep.
101. Lacey Chabert can rewind a DVD.
102. Lacey Chabert can change a leopard's spots.
103. Cars look both ways before Lacey Chabert crosses the street.
104. Lacey Chabert once won a game of darts without even playing.
105. Pizza, the most versatile food since the potato, was invented by Lacey Chabert.
106. Lacey Chabert's current pastime is teaching her dogs foreign languages. So far they can bark in Spanish, Japanese, and French.
107. Attention pays Lacey Chabert, not the other way around. And it pays a considerable amount.
108. When Lacey Chabert chops an onion, it cries so she doesn't have to.
109. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is otherwise known as Lacey Chabert.
110. When Lacey Chabert goes on a picnic, the ants bring her food.
111. Lacey Chabert doesn't own an umbrella because rain doesn't fall on her.
112. Both sides of Lacey Chabert's pillow are cool.
Hit the LIKE button, you'll look this good too.
113. When Lacey Chabert is in Rome, they do as she does.
114. You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but Lacey Chabert can. Like how to use the toilet and flush it afterward.
115. The Red Queen may be able to believe six impossible things before breakfast, but Lacey Chabert DOES six impossible things before breakfast.
116. Geico saved 15% or more by switching to Lacey Chabert.
117. In her song, "All I want for Christmas is You," Mariah Carey is referring to Lacey Chabert. The sentiment caught on worldwide, so Santa gets a break this year.
118. Lacey Chabert knows which words rhyme with orange, purple, silver, and month.
119. Lacey Chabert doesn't need to be verified on Twitter, Facebook, etc because imposters would be mobbed and forced to adopt a chihuahua.
120. When Donald Trump tried to fire Lacey Chabert, his show was canceled instead.
121. For Easter, Lacey Chabert hides a billion eggs around the country for children to find in Easter egg hunts.
122. Lacey Chabert negotiated equitable peace in the long-standing feud between George Takei and William Shatner before either of them could publicly embarass themselves.
123. Lacey Chabert is not running for President because she already rules the world.


This list is updated as more TrueFacts are uncovered. Last update: 5/1/2012AD (No, I didn't draw the picture.)




Please help create the next great internet meme by linking to this page! Lacey deserves it and Jaycee wants to give it to her. Post this picture and attach the following link to it:

http://truefacts.mopjockey.com/

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(And about it.)


Other articles you'll find interesting or helpful:
I'm Totally in Love with this Lady
The Undeclared Miss America (and Her Cousin) - Featuring the gorgeous Crissy Taylor and Stonehouse
Christy Brinkley, Terry Bradshaw, and many more - 1999
Railroad Tycoon 2 Untold Strategies

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11 comments:

  1. That's so funny, Jaycee! I love it! I wish I had more people like you in my life! Just for the record, I have resolved my conflict with the letter D in a way beneficial to all, but the Uno design will not be changing back because I love the way it is now! Let's get together some time. LNC

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  2. deos she read hear this? good luck lacey new movie slightly single!!!1 i hope you have a happy day!

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  3. You are so wrong about the BF. She has been dating California real estate millionaire Douglas D. O'Donnell for several years. The other guy and Lacey are just friends and have worked together previously. Get your Truefacts straight next time.

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  4. Congratulations, Lacey Chabert, on your wedding this morning! May your marriage be as happy and fruitful as all your endeavours!

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  5. this is a riot!!! thanks for the link arron!!! do you update how often??? - KS

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  6. Cool! You added my suggestion! Thanks!

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  7. thisis so Lacy you dont even no

    ReplyDelete

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