Friday, January 6, 2012

Mandatory Driver Education


As a friend drove me somewhere the other day, I noticed that she didn't know how to drive properly. This person used to be an accident investigator for the US Postal Service; she knew just about everything there was to know about trucks without having driven one, and yet, she was driving very discourteously around them as well as other cars. I was surprised to see her blocking up traffic, riding bumpers, riding catacorner to people in their blind spots at highway speeds (what I call "clipping"), and using an inconsistent speed which meant she got in everyone's way.

Of course, she's hardly the only offender. I constantly see people driving like they're idiots, getting in my way, and otherwise flirting with disaster. Thank God I'm a better driver than almost anyone! I have evaded being in several accidents in the past 20-some years since I've had a license, and so I thought I'd offer a few driving tips so you can learn them and then lord them over your buddies the way kids nag their parents to wear their seatbelts.

After I castigated her, I wrote these 8 Simple Rules for Driving on my Road:

Rule #1: If you want to drive faster than me, please do it BEFORE I pass you, not during and not after.

Rule #2: If you want to pass me, please continue to drive faster than me. I don't want you flying past me, then getting in front of me and slowing down, then speeding up again when I move over to pass you. Cruise control is your friend.

Rule #3: Never, ever sit next to another vehicle for longer than 5-10 seconds. If that means you have to speed up to pass them, do it! Sitting next to someone, especially a big truck, is inviting disaster and it's damned rude to do, nevermind that you're blocking traffic.

Rule #4: If you're not turning or changing lanes, turn your turn signal off. And if you are going to turn or change lanes in dense traffic, turn it on!

Rule #5: Turn your stupid radio down! No one wants to hear it. Especially at the gas station, where we're afraid the pounding is going to damage the underground gasoline tanks and set off an explosion.

Rule #6: When you're trying to get on the highway, you have my permission to use the entire length of the ramp and the acceleration lane to get up to speed and merge safely. It is no longer required that you either merge into the highway at 30 below the speed limit and then speed up, or come to a stop at the intersection and wait for three miles of clear before you merge. (Unless you live in Pennsylvania.)

Rule #7: When you're trying to get off the highway, it is not necessary to whiz past me and get off at the last possible second, nearly knocking me off the road just because you felt you had to get in front of me. Just slow down, wait that one extra second, and then get in the deceleration lane from behind me. There is no prize for getting to the road before I pass under the bridge.

Rule #8: Do NOT put on makeup while you are driving, ladies! Especially do not use that eyeliner pencil which WILL poke your eye out if you hit a crack in the road. When you're at a light, I'll tolerate it, as long as I'm not stuck behind you when the light turns green. (This means you, Jenny!)

That's it. Do those simple little things and you will cause and be in fewer accidents, and you will also save yourself and everyone around you a lot of unneeded stress and even a little cash on your gasoline bill.

What rules of the road would you like to see?


No comments:

Post a Comment

Have your say-
Did you know you can leave a comment without having a Google account? Just click where it asks for one and select a different option!

You're Wondering what this Place is all About

Ever have one of those days? Ever felt like mouthing off to the world? What would it be like if Andy Rooney, Dennis Miller, and an angry teenager shared a brain? Let's find out. We're the scissors you shouldn't run with, the matches you shouldn't play with, and the dog you shouldn't tease.

Do us a Small Favor, Please:

If you like what you see here and you want to be sure you get the most out of it, here are some things you can do to make sure you don't miss out on anything, and help others make sure they don't miss out on anything either.

1. Join the site with Google Friend Connect. It's on the left side, where our other awesome Members are.
2. Add and our new Facebook page to all your forum and email signatures and tell your friends to Follow us on Twitter:
3. Link us from your websites too!
4. Leave comments, vote, and be a good neighbor to the other guests here.
5. Never be afraid to be the decent person you really are.

Terms of Use - legally binding; sadly necessary

Some of the commentary on this site is intended as sarcasm and parody of Jaycee Adams and the Mopjockey / More in Sanity team, their lives, the people they know or know of, life in general, and other subjects that cross their minds. It represents OPINION, and not all of it is flattering. Most is not meant to be taken as fact. Accessing this site or its content in any way, or even being aware of its existence, constitutes your acknowledgement of this. You hereby agree to hold Jaycee Adams,, and anyone in any way associated with them completely and utterly non-responsible for anything, ever.

Anyone claiming to BE or REPRESENT someone "famous" who does not also provide sufficient proof of this is understood to be requesting belittlement. You will be ridiculed twice as much if posting as "Anonymous," and even more if you make threats and false accusations. If you've taken great pains to hide yourself from the internet and can't prove who you are, please get someone to vouch for you, being sure they agree that YOU caused all problems, not us.

Anyone so immature as to take offense or umbrage at anything on this site must apologize publicly for making this disclaimer necessary before leaving, never to return, and never harassing anyone associated with this site in any way ever again.

Lastly, you agree that though you might not agree with everything Jaycee Adams has to say, you will defend to your last breath his right to say it, the same as HE HAS DONE FOR YOU.

This agreement is binding in perpetuity in all temporal directions, binding whether you understand it or not, and binding whether you're allowed to make such agreements or not, so help you God/Allah/Yaweh/Source.