Monday, January 19, 2009

Beatdowns Inc.

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Have you ever been in need of a serious butt-whoopin'? Have you been a massive drain on society? Are you the scourge of the civilized world AND the internet? If so, you are uniquely qualified to participate in our pilot program for our new product, from our new company, Beatdowns Inc. Our product is revolutionary, and comes in many varieties to suit every taste and need, and can be customized to your exact specifications. We also guarantee 100% satisfaction; if you aren't completely satisfied that our product has filled your needs, we'll return to do the job again until we get it right. What is this miracle new product?


It's called a Beatdown (patent pending), and it can change your life, and the lives of all those you affect. With the use of just one Beatdown, everyone will know you've gotten one, and be jealous they didn't give it to you themselves.
Beatdowns can be accomplished with many objects:
* Cattle prod
* Baseball bat
* Sledgehammer
* Barstool
* Morningstar
* Mini-fridge
* Chainsaw
* or just about any man-wieldable, blunt object you care to name.

As a special bonus, for no additional charge, we'll upgrade your regular Beatdown to a Celebrity Beatdown! Yes, get your Beatdown from any of the following famous people:
* Arnold Schwarzenegger
* Orrin Hatch
* Barrack Obama and his merry band of Secret Service agents (Extra value: Only counts as one!)
* Bill Clinton
* Jesse Ventura
* Frank Sinatra's former bodyguards
* Roseanne Barr and John Goodman
* Richard Kiel (Jaws)
* Richard Moll (Night Court)
* Andre Agassi
* or just about anyone who needs the money. (NOTE: Even after this promotion ends, Orrin Hatch will still be available at no additional charge; that guy will put his name on just about anything!)

So you get the Beatdown of your choice, with the weapon of your choice, by the celebrity of your choice, all at the most reasonable prices imaginable!
But wait, that's not all! If in the next 5 weeks you send more than 1 MILLION messages to people who then wish you dead, you get your Beatdown at NO CHARGE WHATSOEVER! Act now, a deal like this won't last forever!
Another Satisfied Customer writes:
Dear Beatdowns Inc.
I am the ghost of that Russian Spammer that got killed and made worldwide headlines back in 2005. I want to thank you for the excellent Beatdown I received; I was totally satisfied and now I think the world is a better place without me.

Sincerely,
The Dead Russian Spammer


The fineprint:
By sending out 1 million unwanted emails within a 5 week period, you have automatically been added to our list to receive a House-Special Beatdown (Beatdown with a Cattle Prod given by an agent local to you) to be delivered immediately. If you decide you do not want this free Beatdown, please send us your name, address, and a note saying "Unsubcribe me from the Free Beatdown List" and we will remove your name and recall the agent sometime within 2-4 weeks of receipt of the note. Not responsible for any Beatdowns given away before your name can be removed from our list.


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