Saturday, September 19, 2009

You Might not Know how to Write in the English Language

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Things you Might not Know


In my travels about the Earth, I have uncovered various truths. It seems there are a lot of people out there who aren’t aware that they don’t know how to drive, or that they don’t know the value of a dollar, or various other Earth-shattering problems. To help regular folks find out if they know this or not, I created some questionnaires so my friends and fans could find out if they are afflicted with these dangerous or inconvenient problems. We’re all often blind to our own problems, right? So take these tests to find out yours.

You Might not Know how to Write in the English Language

1. Have you ever used “should of”, “could of”, or “would of” when you meant “should’ve”, “could’ve”, or “would’ve”? (Double points for this question.)
2. Do you refuse to use any sort of punctuation, so that your readers have to guess where sentences begin and end?
3. Are you a stranger to lower case letters?
4. Are you a stranger to upper case letters?
5. Do you use apostrophes to denote all your plurals?
6. Do you shun the use of the ENTER key, or perhaps use it for just about every sentence?
7. Have you ever used “quote marks” to denote emphasis, rather than underlining, bolding, or italicizing?
8. Are you unaware that when used in that way, quote marks are being interpreted as Yarights? As in, “No” dumping gets read as “yeah, right, go ahead and dump”.
9. Do you despair that handwritten signs don’t come with spell-checkers?
10. Have you ever misspelled “school” when painting it on a road?
11. Do you not know the difference between your, you’re, and yore?
12. How about to, too, and two?
13. Or accept and except?
14. Or they’re, there, and their?
15. Perhaps affect and effect confuse you?
16. Are you frequently accused of being dyslexic, while ACTUAL dyslexics go unnoticed?
17. Have you ever used the word “literally” as an exclamation rather than to denote that something you were saying actually happened and was not just a clever turn of phrase?
18. Would your English teacher cry if she knew how many times you answered yes to these questions?

Scoring
0             Excellent! You probably know how to write in English.
1-2         Please ask your English teacher to smack you upside the head and then teach you what you slept through the first time.
3+          Please refrain from all written communication without a paid transcriptionist assisting you.

Here's a few language tools to help you out.

1 comment:

  1. Oooh, I think I did well. Or is it I think I did good?

    Anyway, nice post!

    ReplyDelete

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