In my travels about the Earth, I have uncovered various truths. It seems there are a lot of people out there who aren’t aware that they don’t know how to drive, or that they don’t know the value of a dollar, or various other Earth-shattering problems. To help regular folks find out if they know this or not, I created some questionnaires so my friends and fans could find out if they are afflicted with these dangerous or inconvenient problems. We’re all often blind to our own problems, right? So take these tests to find out yours.
You Might not Know how to Drive
In my life, I’ve seen some crazy stuff. Most of it, I’ve seen as a truck driver. Most of these, I’ve witnessed myself, but a couple I’ve had told to me by reliable sources. Considering how dangerous it can be to mishandle an automobile weighing in at 1 to 2 tons, this is a very serious affair, and if you don’t know how to drive, it’s important that you find out right away! If you have any reason to believe that you don’t know how to drive, please take this test and keep track of the YES answers. Scores will be tabulated at the end.
1. Have you fallen asleep at the wheel more than once?
2. Do people frequently have to pass you on the right?
3. Do you frequently pass people on the right?
4. Are people constantly flashing their high-beams at you because you don’t know how to turn yours off?
5. Do you regularly drive with your headlights off during poor visibility conditions, thinking you can see just fine, never realizing that other people might not be able to see you?
6. Do you regularly have your blinker on for more than a few seconds when you're not trying to turn or change lanes?
7. Do you often make turns in front of people without bothering to signal?
8. Do you enjoy cutting off other people?
9. Have you ever passed someone, and then slowed down in front of them, just because your exit was coming up?
10. Do you have an aversion to driving at the proper highway speed until someone tries to pass you, and then you get an aversion to being passed and then you either speed up or you block the travel lanes? (Double points for this question.)
11. Do you spontaneously move over to the left lane even when there's no one around you?
12. Has it ever taken more than 20 seconds to pass someone?
13. Do you often sit next to trucks while driving at highway speeds, hoping one of his tires will explode and destroy your car? Or was it just that you wanted to hang out in his blind spot and see if he’d really run you over?
14. Have you ever thought you could go through a red light just because the four people in front of you just did it?
15. Do you often switch back and forth between lanes for no apparent reason?
16. Have you ever tried to avoid a traffic jam by jumping on the shoulder?
17. Has someone THEN cut you off, and then you yelled at them for it?
18. Have you ever switched lanes on the highway and someone has to run off the road to avoid hitting you or you hitting them?
19. Do you drive on the shoulder in the wrong direction?
20. Do you stop on highway entrance ramps when there is no stop sign? (Pennsylvania and New Jersey residents excluded.)
21. Have you ever driven 30 on the interstate because you had car trouble, and then bypassed an exit?
22. Did this exit you bypassed go to a frontage road that would have been a LOT LESS DANGEROUS to the other people on the highway if you had driven on it instead?
23. Have you ever been going 70 down a hill, then slammed your brakes in front of two large, 40-ton semi-trucks, just so you could make an illegal U-turn, and narrowly avoided getting killed only because those drivers right behind you had really good brakes? (Double points for this question.)
24. Do you make left turns from the right turn lane, or right turns from the left turn lane?
25. Do you think it’s acceptable to drive up an entrance ramp just because you missed your exit?
26. Even if you drove up it in reverse?
27. Do you usually drive 55 in a 75 zone, or 75 in a 55 zone?
28. Do you apply makeup or read the newspaper while driving, especially through dense Chicago traffic?
0 Excellent! You probably know how to drive.
1-2 Please ask the next policeman you see to take your driver’s license away from you, and not to give it back to you until you perform a driving test with an authorized testing agent.
3+ You are a dangerous hazard to other drivers. Please get off the road before you kill someone!